One Sentence Summary of Young Victoria

The main idea is that if you happen to be a pretentious rich girl who is really annoyed at every single one of her relatives then you must be Queen Victoria because they are one and the same due to the fact that . . . after she is continually annoyed by this one relative because she makes her hold this woman’s hand when she goes upstairs, she gets mad at another relative and then he gets mad back at her and pushes her around and then she devotes half the movie’s time to being mean back at him, but for some reason everyone still wants to marry her because she has a lot of political power that could possibly affect Belgium, and she meets this random guy who wears black and is played by that guy from A Knight’s Tale and talks funny, and then she meets a German guy who can speak perfect English who falls madly in love with her for (as far as we know) the sole reason that she plays a mean game of chess and because this guy he lives with is a total stalker and makes him memorize a bunch of random facts about her that have nothing to do with anything, so then after she acts prudish toward a few other random rich people, this fat old guy gets drunk on his birthday and everyone gets appalled and then he dies and the Pope makes Victoria into a Queen and she acts more prudish than ever and gives her dog a bath and then makes everyone mad because she won’t fire her ex-babysitter and then she cries and the evil guy who wears black and talks funny tells her to do a bunch of stuff that’s really not a good idea, but she does it anyway and in the meantime the German guy pines away his life hoping that Victoria will marry him even though he’s only ever seen her for like two days and so after awhile he makes up a reason to go visit her and she draws him and he talks about duplexes and kisses her hand a lot and they walk around and get stuck in the rain and then he leaves and everything goes back to “normal” which can be defined as people making disapproving faces and a blur of a lot of gaudy dresses and palaces such as the “Brussels-Buckingham-Versailles-Luxembourg Palace” where you can go if you ever happen to want to see a lot of stuff, so then the German guy totally loses himself in this woman he has no reason to actually care about at all, and after what is probably parliament throws some stuff at each other and everyone in England freaks out about the ex-babysitter issue and Victoria cries some more, she realizes that she can’t do anything without the lovesick German guy and invites him over and proposes to him and  they get married and then kiss and kiss and kiss and kiss and kiss and kiss which of course results in a baby which Victoria births in a satin dress and then the German guy gets shot, but he’s okay because otherwise the movie would be boring and then they kiss and kiss and kiss and kiss and kiss and the movie ends.

Emily is too good for your shit

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