One Sentence Summary of The Last Airbender

Everyone knows that the human world and the spirit world are having some major issues with each other because no one from the Eskimo people likes anyone from the angry-Indian people and vice versa, but the angry-Indian people are especially angry because they also killed off all the Chinese-monk people though not before they froze one of their best heroes in an orb of ice who happens to be the spiritual/metaphysical/elemental hub of all the universe even though he doesn’t know much more than how to use the bathroom by himself, so when a patriotic and distraught female Eskimo and her protective dumbass brother find him he immediately gets kidnapped and then frees himself and then escapes with the help of the distraught female Eskimo and the protective dumbass Eskimo who are riding a furry, flying, six-legged beaver that sounds like Chewbacca which makes the rejected angry-Indian price even angrier and he vows to find the Chinese-monk hero, so after the Chinese-monk hero frees a bunch of villages he gets totally captured again but then freed again by the angry-Indian prince for no apparent reason and then he gets injured, so then of course the Chinese-monk hero goes on a drug trip to a dragon who tells him some vague things which make him decide to go along with the distraught female Eskimo and the protective dumbass Eskimo to a big Eskimo village where they meet a creepy Eskimo princess with bad hair who the protective dumbass Eskimo totally wants to ice-hump because of her blue contact lenses, and then the Chinese-monk hero goes on another drug trip because of some glowing fish and in the meantime gets totally captured again by the same angry-Indian prince but then escapes again after he wakes up and totally owns the angry-Indian prince, but the angry-Indian people decide to attack the big Eskimo village and melt a lot of holes in it and then the drug-trip fish gets killed and the moon turns red and the creepy Eskimo princess with bad hair sacrifices herself for the drug-trip fish and the protective dumbass Eskimo doesn’t get any, and then the Chinese-monk hero scares off the entire angry-Indian army with one cinematic special effect and then finally decides to own it and everyone lives happily ever after until the never-getting-paid-for sequel comes out and everyone has to run from the smirking angry-Indian princess.

The eff did I just watch?

One Sentence Summary of The Green Lantern

So there’s this green stuff and this yellow stuff and the green stuff possesses a dude and the yellow stuff possesses a dude and the dude with the green stuff who happens to by Ryan Reynolds gets cool green powers and this hot chick and the dude with the yellow stuff just gets fat which is how we know the yellow stuff is bad, so the guy with the yellow stuff kills a senator because he’s pissed and fat and then we all find out that the yellow stuff is actually the evil yellow part of the universe which is controlling the fat yellow guy so it kills him off and tries to do evil yellow things but Ryan Reynold’s hot chick squeeze who isn’t a color and doesn’t even have any powers hacks the planet and scares away the bad yellow part of the universe, but then it’s back and then Ryan Reynolds discovers that he’s cool because he was chosen by the green stuff which is totally different from the situation with the yellow stuff, and so with this vital new knowledge he beats the yellow stuff, which ultimately teaches us all that green is better than yellow.

“Green makes you cool. Yellow does not.” -Ryan, probably

One Sentence Summary of Young Victoria

The main idea is that if you happen to be a pretentious rich girl who is really annoyed at every single one of her relatives then you must be Queen Victoria because they are one and the same due to the fact that . . . after she is continually annoyed by this one relative because she makes her hold this woman’s hand when she goes upstairs, she gets mad at another relative and then he gets mad back at her and pushes her around and then she devotes half the movie’s time to being mean back at him, but for some reason everyone still wants to marry her because she has a lot of political power that could possibly affect Belgium, and she meets this random guy who wears black and is played by that guy from A Knight’s Tale and talks funny, and then she meets a German guy who can speak perfect English who falls madly in love with her for (as far as we know) the sole reason that she plays a mean game of chess and because this guy he lives with is a total stalker and makes him memorize a bunch of random facts about her that have nothing to do with anything, so then after she acts prudish toward a few other random rich people, this fat old guy gets drunk on his birthday and everyone gets appalled and then he dies and the Pope makes Victoria into a Queen and she acts more prudish than ever and gives her dog a bath and then makes everyone mad because she won’t fire her ex-babysitter and then she cries and the evil guy who wears black and talks funny tells her to do a bunch of stuff that’s really not a good idea, but she does it anyway and in the meantime the German guy pines away his life hoping that Victoria will marry him even though he’s only ever seen her for like two days and so after awhile he makes up a reason to go visit her and she draws him and he talks about duplexes and kisses her hand a lot and they walk around and get stuck in the rain and then he leaves and everything goes back to “normal” which can be defined as people making disapproving faces and a blur of a lot of gaudy dresses and palaces such as the “Brussels-Buckingham-Versailles-Luxembourg Palace” where you can go if you ever happen to want to see a lot of stuff, so then the German guy totally loses himself in this woman he has no reason to actually care about at all, and after what is probably parliament throws some stuff at each other and everyone in England freaks out about the ex-babysitter issue and Victoria cries some more, she realizes that she can’t do anything without the lovesick German guy and invites him over and proposes to him and  they get married and then kiss and kiss and kiss and kiss and kiss and kiss which of course results in a baby which Victoria births in a satin dress and then the German guy gets shot, but he’s okay because otherwise the movie would be boring and then they kiss and kiss and kiss and kiss and kiss and the movie ends.

Emily is too good for your shit

One Sentence Summary of Sweet Home Alabama

Several years ago I wrote a series of summaries of what I considered to be truly horrible movies. To illustrate how thrown together they felt, I summarized them in one long, drawn-out sentence. I hope if you have recently seen this or any of the movies which I will post summaries of, these reviews will help you relive their cluttered nonsensical messes in vibrant detail.

Okay so lightning strikes this beach and this conflicted girl wakes up and she’s really a rich designer but her boyfriend doesn’t have enough time for her because of his megalomaniacal mother, so she gets engaged to him at a jewelry store and then goes to Alabama because she’s married to a redneck bum who lives with a big dog and wants a divorce, but the redneck bum won’t let her have the divorce until she goes to a bar and gets totally smashed and makes all her old friends mad with her New York attitude and her cousin is gay, but then she gets the divorce papers and “forgets” to sign them and she cries over a dog, and then her legit fiancé comes down during a reenactment and they almost get killed by flying anvils but then he thinks that she got married to her cousin and she said she got married to a guy who was supposed to be her cousin and then says it was her second cousin and then it turns out to be the redneck bum but then the legit fiancé decides to marry her anyway, and they get her designer friends who are also gay to come down and they go to a glass shop that the redneck bum owns because he was inspired whenever lightning struck the beach, so she gets more conflicted because of her dreams and is about to marry her legit fiancé when she realizes that she’s still married to the redneck bum and then gets even more conflicted and punches her legit fiancé’s megalomaniacal mother and runs out on the beach in the rain to find her redneck bum husband and they kiss in slow motion and then everybody dances to “Sweet Home Alabama” which is why the movie is called Sweet Home Alabama.
Reese is mad